Rough Around the Edges

I’ve been keeping myself very busy trying to consume my own weight in food and booze over the past couple of weeks, so that as the days progressed and the scales went up the task became slightly harder. Well, life is about challenging oneself, is it not?


Midst the twinkle of tinsel and fairy light drunkenness I forgot to tell you all the hilarity that ensued from my mugging fiasco. They say every cloud has a silver lining…


Two days after being robbed I was invited to Wandsworth Police Station where I was to look at a database of mugshots of people arrested in the area who fitted the description I provided in my statement. Yep, I was going to be given the opportunity to have a good look at my neighbouring criminals. What an honour!


I arrived at the station at my alloted appointment time and was directed to a little room where a CID officer uploaded 750 plus photographs on a laptop. I was given a cup of coffee and freedom to browse, and man, I wish I could have kept some of these pictures to share… Despite the seriousness of the setup, I split my sides with laughter.


Turns out that my local thugs are a VERY ugly bunch. Pig ugly. Ugly to the point of comedy. Ugly to the point you can almost sympathise with their decision to turn to crime. So ugly that being punched up by rival gang members might improve their facial structures. Maybe Walt Disney visited his local coppers while researching his fairy tale villains?

To be perfectly fair, to every 200 or so faces there was a fitty, which made me ask myself ‘Why?! What are you doing associating yourself with this collection of aesthetically-challenged grubby bastards?!’


But the entertainment didn’t stop there: There was the guy with hair like Krusty the Clown; the guy who posed like he was Paris Hilton; the ones who tried to look really tough; the ones who were laughing or crossing their eyes… And the one guy who was ASLEEP for his mugshot. Absolute quality. And to top it all off, there were two guys in there who once worked with me at an office! I nearly fell over backwards!


The police officer assured me that these were not necessarily all criminals, that a lot of them would have been arrested for minor offences and released without charge. So I’m pinning my hope onto that hypothesis.  Hmmm… Blackmail, anyone?


Anyway, just as I thought I’d lost all faith in humanity, it turns out that a humble binman found my handbag and most of its contents in a public rubbish bin a few blocks from my house and handed it over to the police.  I am soooooo grateful. It is now being dusted for fingerprints and has given the investigators hope of finding cctv footage of the car as we now know which route they took.  THERE ARE NICE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD AFTER ALL!

1 Response to “Rough Around the Edges”

  1. 1 Jillian Page January 7, 2009 at 5:07 am

    Hooray for the binman. It does restore your faith in humanity, doesn’t it. Thanks for sharing this story.


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