Archive for January, 2009

Regressing Like Brad Pitt in that Weird Film

‘London is a palimpsest’. Was it Peter Aykroyd who said that? I think it was.

 

This week the capital saw the closure of some of its foremost rock venues. The block on the corner of Oxford Street and Charring Cross Road is being demolished to comport the extension of Tottenham Court Road Station. It’s inevitable that the city needs to swallow up concrete sometimes but like many people I feel a sharp pang of sadness. The backdrop to so many of my teenage exploits is turning to rubble.

 

Before I could walk past the London Astoria and remember Spliknot’s first UK tour(yeah, I KNOW. That was a short phase. Good loops). Or going to see Therapy? for the first time at the LA2. And then there is Metro’s, my home away from home, the stage of my first English friendships, my boyfriend fainting in my arms and subsequently dumping me(must have got concussed), hanging around Trafalgar Square at 4am and surviving on a diet of cider and snickers. Wearing black lipstick and dog collars. Aaaah bless. The music moved me so much it hurt in my heart.

 

I went to say goodbye to Metro this tuesday and made sure I made homage to the 16-year-old me. Jumping over the fence to smoke a fag in Soho Square(Why?!!!!!) then having to make a swift escape as I got spotted by bobbies on the beat. Starting a moshpit that resulted in me getting a fat lip and a collection of impressive and painful bruises. Headbanging so much my shoulders hurt two days later.

 

It was worth it. Soon I’ll walk past there and all that will be left to tell the story will be the local tramps hanging by the cash machines. I want a little picture tattoed in my brain to remind me of all that was and of all the nights I can barely remember.

Where it is a Little Bit Warmer.

_45346686_006676851-1I know this story is shooting fast around the globe, but it’s so darn cute I can’t resist posting a link here. Talk about being swept off your feet by a whirlwind romance!

Take the Hint, Donkey Breath.

Once upon a Christmas, my uncle gave me ‘The Little Book of Wisdom’. I am still not quite sure exactly what he was trying to imply by that. Nevertheless, there was some sound advice in there, which I’ve made a point of remembering through the years.

 

One page stood out in particular, and I follow it to this day:

 

‘If someone offers you a breath mint, take it.’

badbreath

Rough Around the Edges

I’ve been keeping myself very busy trying to consume my own weight in food and booze over the past couple of weeks, so that as the days progressed and the scales went up the task became slightly harder. Well, life is about challenging oneself, is it not?

 

Midst the twinkle of tinsel and fairy light drunkenness I forgot to tell you all the hilarity that ensued from my mugging fiasco. They say every cloud has a silver lining…

 

Two days after being robbed I was invited to Wandsworth Police Station where I was to look at a database of mugshots of people arrested in the area who fitted the description I provided in my statement. Yep, I was going to be given the opportunity to have a good look at my neighbouring criminals. What an honour!

 

I arrived at the station at my alloted appointment time and was directed to a little room where a CID officer uploaded 750 plus photographs on a laptop. I was given a cup of coffee and freedom to browse, and man, I wish I could have kept some of these pictures to share… Despite the seriousness of the setup, I split my sides with laughter.

 

Turns out that my local thugs are a VERY ugly bunch. Pig ugly. Ugly to the point of comedy. Ugly to the point you can almost sympathise with their decision to turn to crime. So ugly that being punched up by rival gang members might improve their facial structures. Maybe Walt Disney visited his local coppers while researching his fairy tale villains?

To be perfectly fair, to every 200 or so faces there was a fitty, which made me ask myself ‘Why?! What are you doing associating yourself with this collection of aesthetically-challenged grubby bastards?!’

 

But the entertainment didn’t stop there: There was the guy with hair like Krusty the Clown; the guy who posed like he was Paris Hilton; the ones who tried to look really tough; the ones who were laughing or crossing their eyes… And the one guy who was ASLEEP for his mugshot. Absolute quality. And to top it all off, there were two guys in there who once worked with me at an office! I nearly fell over backwards!

 

The police officer assured me that these were not necessarily all criminals, that a lot of them would have been arrested for minor offences and released without charge. So I’m pinning my hope onto that hypothesis.  Hmmm… Blackmail, anyone?

 

Anyway, just as I thought I’d lost all faith in humanity, it turns out that a humble binman found my handbag and most of its contents in a public rubbish bin a few blocks from my house and handed it over to the police.  I am soooooo grateful. It is now being dusted for fingerprints and has given the investigators hope of finding cctv footage of the car as we now know which route they took.  THERE ARE NICE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD AFTER ALL!