Archive for May, 2008

Facts of Motherhood

#1- Realising that despite your swollen ankles and waddling step, there are plenty of men who will think nothing of chatting you up on the street or honking their horns at you when you’re heavily pregnant(and I MEAN heavily pregnant).


#2- You will be shocked the first time you catch yourself picking crusty snot out of another human being’s nostrils without any vestige of cringing or disgust.


#3- Getting poo and urine on your hands is something that will happen several times a day for a few years. Realising after you ate a whole packet of crisps that you got sidetracked on your way to wash your hands after changing that nappy is hopefully something that doesn’t happen quite as frequently.


#4- Breastfeeding makes you feel amazing and elated and gives you FANTASTIC boobs. For a bit, that is. What you’re left with afterwards is pot luck. But still worth it!


#5- Even if you think you’re really unpopular, your house will resemble a florist’s for a couple of weeks after the birth.


#6- Unless you have preemies, at least a third of the clothes you get as gifts for ‘newborn’ babies are unlikely to get you through the first week. Make sure you get those gift receipts!


#7- You are likely to spend a good proportion of the first year in your comfy t-shirt and tracksuit bums. Then you will get into your maternity jeans(they’ll still fit after the birth for a bit)to go to the shops, feeling like you achieved something with your day. Then you will see the magazines on the shelves, and on every other cover will be reports of amazing post-baby celebrity weight-loss. Then you will curse your luck and your imaginary entourage of nanny, dermatologist, endocrinologist, personal trainer and make-up artist for their screaming incompetence in making you look slightly presentable.


#8 Breastfeeding burns 500kcals a day. Get baking some cakes! (Wonder what the nutritionist might say).


#9- You will realise that although the world is a fucking awful place, Father Christmas doesn’t exist, Sleeping Beauty’s prince was a bit of a creep for coming onto her when she was passed out and TV stars always seem to be shorter in the flesh, there is one thing you were told as a kid that is real. TRUE LOVE. Look into your child’s eye and revel in it.


#10- It takes at least an hour to get ready to leave the house. FACT.